Random Joke Thread
12-Apr-2004, 09:54 PM
#1
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Location: Oakville Ontario
Posts: 6,315
Random Joke Thread
hehe i like this one:
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
12-Apr-2004, 10:05 PM
#3
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this girl was at the check out at the grocery store and the cashier was running through her items....
1 orange
1 apple
1 carrot
1 banana
1 fruit cup
1 pudding
1 cheese slice
1 bun
1 slice of cold meat
1 frozen dinner
etc
the cashier looks at all the items one by one... its all singles...
so he askes the girl, "im guessing your single right?"
she replies with a smile and says "yes how did you know"
he responds.....
"CUZ YOUR ****IN UGLY!!!"
1 orange
1 apple
1 carrot
1 banana
1 fruit cup
1 pudding
1 cheese slice
1 bun
1 slice of cold meat
1 frozen dinner
etc
the cashier looks at all the items one by one... its all singles...
so he askes the girl, "im guessing your single right?"
she replies with a smile and says "yes how did you know"
he responds.....
"CUZ YOUR ****IN UGLY!!!"
12-Apr-2004, 10:10 PM
#5
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Location: Oakville Ontario
Posts: 6,315
A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."
12-Apr-2004, 10:11 PM
#6
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 15,801
PETER meets his pal Richard at the shopping centre and sees he has a small gift wrapped box.
"It's my wife Sarah's birthday tomorrow." Richard said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."
"And???" Peter asked.
"Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know - just give me something with diamonds in it'."
"So what did you get her?" asked Peter.
Richard replies, "I bought her a deck of cards!"
---------------
A MAN wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers".
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.
"When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his ********* and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."
Taken from http://www.thesun.co.uk/ Funniest Gags..
"It's my wife Sarah's birthday tomorrow." Richard said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."
"And???" Peter asked.
"Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know - just give me something with diamonds in it'."
"So what did you get her?" asked Peter.
Richard replies, "I bought her a deck of cards!"
---------------
A MAN wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers".
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.
"When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his ********* and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."
Taken from http://www.thesun.co.uk/ Funniest Gags..
12-Apr-2004, 10:14 PM
#7
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 15,801
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were ute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up.
^
Emailed to me a while ago.
So I hung up.
^
Emailed to me a while ago.
12-Apr-2004, 10:24 PM
#8
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Location: Oakville Ontario
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Don't know how to make it bigger but says:
Tuition for school: $8000
Bra and Panties: $50
4 pack of coolers: $9.50
Letting everone in the world, even burlingtonians know that your just worthless slutty ******.....
LOL ****ING PRICELESS
Somethings mony can't buy good thing these ****** aren't 1 of them..
Its mean but funny some1 must of really hated these chicks i like the blonde
lol its not much of a joke but funny
Tuition for school: $8000
Bra and Panties: $50
4 pack of coolers: $9.50
Letting everone in the world, even burlingtonians know that your just worthless slutty ******.....
LOL ****ING PRICELESS
Somethings mony can't buy good thing these ****** aren't 1 of them..
Its mean but funny some1 must of really hated these chicks i like the blonde
lol its not much of a joke but funny
12-Apr-2004, 10:46 PM
#12
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: on a race track
Posts: 17,846
Originally posted by bdotdan
what up with the burlingtonorians thing, im from burlington!
and man i just remembered my sis went to brock
what up with the burlingtonorians thing, im from burlington!
and man i just remembered my sis went to brock
anyways keep the jokes coming
12-Apr-2004, 10:56 PM
#13
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Oakville Ontario
Posts: 6,315
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?" Adam says, "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?" Adam says, "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
12-Apr-2004, 10:59 PM
#14
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Oakville Ontario
Posts: 6,315
A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles and hour, will you take off all your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road."
She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, "I think it's too late- he's too far in!"
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road."
She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, "I think it's too late- he's too far in!"
12-Apr-2004, 11:00 PM
#15
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Burlington
Posts: 4,329
Originally posted by v8hunter03
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?" Adam says, "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?" Adam says, "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
too bad henry ford didn't invent the car
12-Apr-2004, 11:07 PM
#16
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 15,801
What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Yesterday you took my license away, and today you expect me to show it to you!"
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Yesterday you took my license away, and today you expect me to show it to you!"
12-Apr-2004, 11:08 PM
#17
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 15,801
There was a blonde who was hurting all over so she went to the doctor. The doctor said, "Where are you hurting?"
She said, "Everywhere. See?"
She touched her arm and said, "OUCH!"
She touched her leg and, "OUCH!"
She touched her nose, "OUCH!"
"See?" she cried, " I am hurting all over!"
The doctor laughed and said, "What you've got is a broken index finger!"
She said, "Everywhere. See?"
She touched her arm and said, "OUCH!"
She touched her leg and, "OUCH!"
She touched her nose, "OUCH!"
"See?" she cried, " I am hurting all over!"
The doctor laughed and said, "What you've got is a broken index finger!"
12-Apr-2004, 11:30 PM
#20
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Burlington
Posts: 4,329
does everyone know who helen keller is? i hope so
(shes deaf and blind for those who don't know)
why can't Helen keller drive?
cause shes a woman
ive posted this before, some reason i always laugh when i think about it.
don't mean to offend the women on the board, purely for ****s and giggles.
(shes deaf and blind for those who don't know)
why can't Helen keller drive?
cause shes a woman
ive posted this before, some reason i always laugh when i think about it.
don't mean to offend the women on the board, purely for ****s and giggles.
