joke HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?
19-Jan-2008, 01:23 AM
#1
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Newmarket
Posts: 160
joke HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?
HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?
>
> I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they
> understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
>
> I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and
> gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
>
> "NO!" the children answered.
>
> "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
> neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
>
> Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this
> was fun!
>
> "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the
> children, and loved my family, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked
> them again.
>
> Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for
> them.
>
> Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
>
> A six-year-old boy shouted out, ...........................
>
>
>
>
>
> "YOU GOTTA BE F*CKIN' DEAD!"
>
> I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they
> understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
>
> I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and
> gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
>
> "NO!" the children answered.
>
> "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
> neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
>
> Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this
> was fun!
>
> "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the
> children, and loved my family, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked
> them again.
>
> Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for
> them.
>
> Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
>
> A six-year-old boy shouted out, ...........................
>
>
>
>
>
> "YOU GOTTA BE F*CKIN' DEAD!"
19-Jan-2008, 08:33 AM
#4
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: mississauga
Posts: 33
here's a good one
Elbow Problem
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get
better.
Elbow Problem
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get
better.
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