Random Joke Thread
13-Apr-2004, 12:43 PM
#21
Registered User
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Oakville Ontario
Posts: 6,315
A red-head, a brunette and a blonde perform a Post Office robbery al a Thelma and Louise. They are on the run from the police and they have to ditch their car and go cross country. They are all getting tired and happen across an old farm with a hug barn. They all sneak inside but the only
things in there are three old flour sacks. They all hide in separate sacks.
The police enter the barn and upon seeing the sacks, kick the first one containing the red-head. The red-head says "Woof!". "Nothing in here but a dog sarge" says the constable. "Wed better move on". They kick the sack containing the brunette. "Miaow!" she says. "Nothing in here but a cat sarge... better move on". They kick the sack containing the blonde and the blonde says "Potatoes!"
things in there are three old flour sacks. They all hide in separate sacks.
The police enter the barn and upon seeing the sacks, kick the first one containing the red-head. The red-head says "Woof!". "Nothing in here but a dog sarge" says the constable. "Wed better move on". They kick the sack containing the brunette. "Miaow!" she says. "Nothing in here but a cat sarge... better move on". They kick the sack containing the blonde and the blonde says "Potatoes!"
13-Apr-2004, 03:28 PM
#23
Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Southern California
Posts: 6,405
3 men in a blimp
1 white
1 iraqi
1 mexican
they fly over their respective countries and decide to pay tribute
the iraqi was first..... i love my country so much im going to throw this glass of water down to it, because my country needs water
they land and see a boy crying....."boy why are you crying?" the iraqi says. boy replies "cuz im gettting potty trained and a glass of water fley out of the sky and landed in my lap so my mom thought i wet myself so she spanked me
the mexican was next... i love my country so much im going to throw this handful of beans down to it, because everyone knows we love beans.
they land and he sees a little boy crying..."little boy why are you crying?..the mexican asks.
becuase a bunch of beans flew out of the sky and hit the school bully, and i was the only one around so he thought it was me so he beat me up...
the american was next.... I HATE MY GODDAMN COUNTRY SO MUCH im going to drop this granade down to it
they land and see a boy laughing histerically.. "little boy why are you laughing so hard?" the american asks
the boy replies...
"because i farted and my house blew up!"
1 white
1 iraqi
1 mexican
they fly over their respective countries and decide to pay tribute
the iraqi was first..... i love my country so much im going to throw this glass of water down to it, because my country needs water
they land and see a boy crying....."boy why are you crying?" the iraqi says. boy replies "cuz im gettting potty trained and a glass of water fley out of the sky and landed in my lap so my mom thought i wet myself so she spanked me
the mexican was next... i love my country so much im going to throw this handful of beans down to it, because everyone knows we love beans.
they land and he sees a little boy crying..."little boy why are you crying?..the mexican asks.
becuase a bunch of beans flew out of the sky and hit the school bully, and i was the only one around so he thought it was me so he beat me up...
the american was next.... I HATE MY GODDAMN COUNTRY SO MUCH im going to drop this granade down to it
they land and see a boy laughing histerically.. "little boy why are you laughing so hard?" the american asks
the boy replies...
"because i farted and my house blew up!"
14-Apr-2004, 01:51 PM
#29
Guest
Posts: n/a
How to bathe your cat:
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet; cat is enjoying this.)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Cat will return when hungry.
Sincerely,
The Dog
"May I be half the man my dog thinks I am"
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet; cat is enjoying this.)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Cat will return when hungry.
Sincerely,
The Dog
"May I be half the man my dog thinks I am"
15-Apr-2004, 01:14 AM
#35
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sauga'
Posts: 845
Well, I debated all day whether I should share with all of you what happened to me last night, so since I can't tell my family i'll tell my fellow juicing family my story. Ok so yesterday was my cheat day. Probably put away about 8k cals including a lot of alcohol last night. Im at the usual weekend frat parties and i've been talking to this girl for the majority of the night.
She's 19, so still a little on the immature side, but im only 21 so its all good. Anyway i've talked to this girl a few times before, and to make a long story short I ended up going back with her to her dorm. About another 8shots later, we end up fooling around on her bed, didnt bang her, but did pretty much everything else.
So about 10min's into her giving me head, I had to drop the fattest **** in my life. All my meals were followed by 3tsp of metamucil so I could get lots of fiber in me to combat the carbs a litte. Anyway im holdin my #2 in and finally it goes away.
We both end up passing out on her bed, she's butt naked and im in my boxers. I must have passed out about 10min after she did around 3am. I wake up at about 8am to **** and I find myself covered in ****. Im thinking WTF, and what happened was I **** myself when I was sleeping. It was all over the bed, sheets,etc....
Im freakin out so I did the most horrible thing in the world. She's sleeping with her back towards me, so I take my boxers off, scoop up some **** and gently smear it on the inside of her butt, her lower back, and a little on the back of ther hammies. I get dressed and leave LOL This poor girl is gonna think she did it. I didnt know what else to do though.
Anyway, im really gonna have to avoid her and I have no clue what im gonna do when I end up running into her.
She's 19, so still a little on the immature side, but im only 21 so its all good. Anyway i've talked to this girl a few times before, and to make a long story short I ended up going back with her to her dorm. About another 8shots later, we end up fooling around on her bed, didnt bang her, but did pretty much everything else.
So about 10min's into her giving me head, I had to drop the fattest **** in my life. All my meals were followed by 3tsp of metamucil so I could get lots of fiber in me to combat the carbs a litte. Anyway im holdin my #2 in and finally it goes away.
We both end up passing out on her bed, she's butt naked and im in my boxers. I must have passed out about 10min after she did around 3am. I wake up at about 8am to **** and I find myself covered in ****. Im thinking WTF, and what happened was I **** myself when I was sleeping. It was all over the bed, sheets,etc....
Im freakin out so I did the most horrible thing in the world. She's sleeping with her back towards me, so I take my boxers off, scoop up some **** and gently smear it on the inside of her butt, her lower back, and a little on the back of ther hammies. I get dressed and leave LOL This poor girl is gonna think she did it. I didnt know what else to do though.
Anyway, im really gonna have to avoid her and I have no clue what im gonna do when I end up running into her.
15-Apr-2004, 10:13 AM
#37
Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: probably at work, im always at work.
Posts: 575
oh my god thats the most heinous thing ive ever heard but im killin myself lol...when i was in high school something ismilar happened only not that bad. I had moved to a new school in grade 11 and was having a hard time adjusting anyways this one guy I had started talking to at school said a bunch of his friends (who were in grade 13) werehaving a big party so i went thinking i coukld finally meet some new people. I didnt take any booze because i didnt want to drink around a bunch of people i didnt know so i got there ended up havuing a great time and everyone shared their booze with me. well after mixing for a good three hours, i was being the good samaritan and helping a guy who was puking over the railing. this of course set me off and i was sick....i ran into the house, only to be stopped flat by the fact that i was trying to run through the closed patio door....once i opened the door and ran through the kitchen to the bathroom i was sick in the bathroom the only problem was i was so drunk that whie i was puking i peed my pants, and then this guy at the party came to check on me i was passed out behind the door so when he opened the door he hit me in the head and i got a big bruise (that was interesting to explain to my folks lol) and he carried me out of the bathroom to the couch, only to find out i was covered in ****...it was pretty gross but we all laughed about it later!
15-Apr-2004, 10:42 AM
#39
Banned
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Oakville
Posts: 3,587
I've got one. I just heard this around. But im not sure if any of you have heard this. It is just a joke. I am not like this. But since it is a joke thread i just may post it up. Remember just a joke to all the girls out there. Dont take any offence.
Why should women not wear watched? B/c there is a clock on teh stove.
Why should women not wear watched? B/c there is a clock on teh stove.
15-Apr-2004, 10:48 AM
#40
Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: on a race track
Posts: 17,846
LOL ... funny ...
kind of like the joke I heard at camp one year .,... dude asks some girl at the camp to hold out her hands ... clams he could "read palms..." then proceeds to "examine her hands" after some time he proclaims... "yep you'll make a good wife those a great dish washing hands...."
he got slapped around by the girl after that ... it was all very amusing as a bystander watchiong it all unfold.
kind of like the joke I heard at camp one year .,... dude asks some girl at the camp to hold out her hands ... clams he could "read palms..." then proceeds to "examine her hands" after some time he proclaims... "yep you'll make a good wife those a great dish washing hands...."
he got slapped around by the girl after that ... it was all very amusing as a bystander watchiong it all unfold.
